I just had a private session with a couple who are expecting their second baby in about four weeks. I’d worked with them privately the first go-around due to her unique work schedule – trying to get into a one-day express class was not even an option. And while I always encourage people to take a group class if they’re able to – mostly because there’s usually such great peer-to-peer learning that can happen – if that’s not possible, I’m more than happy to meet with a couple one-on-one.
I’ve even done some long-distance pre-birth coaching sessions with women who’ve already attended a traditional class, but are wanting/needing a little bit more support as they begin their final preparations for giving birth. I ask some questions ahead of time about what they’re most wanting to learn and tailor our time together to what will work best for them. It may sound strange that these sessions are done via ZOOM or phone and that we never meet in person, but I’m really good at listening and hearing what doesn’t get said. And because of this, I’ve had some really great success in helping pregnant folks enter into their birth experience with much more clarity, confidence and an attitude of excitement rather than fear or anxiety – even from thousands of miles away.
When I met with M & her partner Z the other night, I did what I always do and sent them an email ahead of time to ask what their specific concerns were about welcoming Baby #2. M, the Momma, answered the email and gave me some specifics that included: “I had a super gentle, slow labor last time around. I imagine things might be faster and more intense this time. Any tips around that? I’d love to have a little time to talk about how the transition to being a family four will be different… going into labor and recovering with a toddler at home who has his own set of needs… all the hidden expectations we might be carrying based on our experience of having C… I’m having a hard time envisioning this pregnancy as being unique… it’s like mentally I think I’m just having C again. I’m sure things will be different…”
All great questions, and ones that I was happy to try and answer for her. In preparation for our get-together, I did a little searching for some resources for this couple who were obviously aware of how different it can be to move from being a family of three to a family of four. I was looking for practical, useful tips from others beside myself to normalize this transition for them, but I also wanted to share some of the more funny-but-true send ups of what it’s like to be a first-time parent compared to a veteran in the trenches. (These are listed below for your enjoyment. There are a few that made me snort, I laughed so hard.) I wanted this couple to be okay with realizing that this second pregnancy and birth couldn’t possibly be like their first.
But as I was gathering resources for them, I was getting more and more frustrated by the lack of resources for the partner’s experience of having a second child. Maybe, I just didn’t look far enough down the list results to find the good stuff, maybe the words I chose were not a part of the SEO for this topic, but I was getting nowhere! I did find a great birth story of Baby #2 from the perspective of the Dad off of the Becoming Dads website, which is always a resource I encourage expectant and new fathers to check out, but other than that? Crickets.
And I realized again, how often partners (and especially male partners) are left out of the equation. I told M & Z that I was going to be writing a blogpost about this very subject because I was so irritated!
The partner’s experience is equally valid and as important as the Momma’s – and until we begin as a society to take that seriously, we are setting our couples up for a harder than necessary transition through birth and into the new family experience.
I recognize my own limitations here and my need to be more insistent about bringing the partner’s into the dialogue. I’m really good about this in my classes – often I will receive feedback about how I well I “addressed the partner’s role” or “showed how important I am to the whole process.” And I’m proud of that – it matters to me. But in these one-on-one sessions, I could do better.
The reality is that most often it’s the pregnant person who reaches out to me and sets up the session. My contact to the couple is through them – but I’m realizing that I need to begin reaching out to the partner from the get-go so that I know what their concerns and hopes are for this experience. Now, when I’m meeting with the couple face-to-face, that’s a non-issue because you know I’m going to go there!
But in my long-distance sessions, I’ve failed in the past to insist that the partner also get on the call or ZOOM session with me. I still talk up the role of the partner, but what gets lost is their unique perspective and the chance to be acknowledged by me in front of the birthing person on the importance of their role as they’re also making a huge transformation from individual to parent. It won’t happen again. From now on, they’ll both have some pre-work to do before we “meet” and I will, as I did with M & Z, create some post-work that they can do as a couple to better prepare for the birth of their baby.
I also think that I need to start writing more about the partner’s experience on my own. If I can’t find the resources online, I might as well start creating some, eh?
And, in case any of you reading this are expecting Baby #2 (or beyond), I’m including the list of questions I encouraged M & Z to consider and discuss over the next few weeks before their new baby arrives. I told them to think a bit on these questions and set up a date night (even one that happens at home after their toddler goes to bed!) to discuss what this next experience might bring to them – both.
How do you think those of us who work in the field of prenatal/postnatal care could better include partners in this most important transition? If you felt like you had that sense of being included, why? What did your CBE, doula, or provider say or do that made you feel like your experience matters? Please share in the comments section. It’s an area where I think we could all do a better job.
Questions to consider if you are preparing for baby #2:
1) How has parenting changed you as an individual?
2) What changes have you noticed in each other?
3) How has parenting changed you as a couple?
4) What positive characteristic has your first-born inherited from each one of you?
5) What positive characteristic are you hoping this new baby will inherit from each one of you?
6) When you imagine the 4th Trimester (the first 3 months with your newborn), what are your biggest concerns? Biggest hopes?
7) How do you want to build up your couple relationship? Specifically, what are some ideas for creating intimacy when the reality is that you will be parenting two small children alongside complicated work schedules?
8) What was your most favorite part of the newborn period with your first? What are you most looking forward to doing again with your newborn for a second time?
9) How do you anticipate the transition of going from a family of 3 to 4? What do you think will be different? What might be the same?
10) When you imagine your children in the future, say ages 5 & 3, what do you think your life will be like?
Here are a few of the funny posts I found discussing the differences between first and second pregnancy, birth and parenting experiences: